Age happens to everyone, it’s a natural process of being human.
And it might hit you that you’re having one of those crises. You need to reinvent yourself, Madonna did it.
Why can’t you? And what’s the best freaking way to do it QUICK? An incredible testament to mankind, named the PT Cruiser.
And here are the top reasons you own one!
1. The second date was too much work
Have you ever found that special someone, and you just couldn’t seal the deal on the first time around even though he REALLY wanted to. They were delectable, like a five dollar pizza. And you were salivating for a slice.
We get you, lover of cheap pizza. You and your local lovebug could have had a solution to this dilemma if you’d only come prepared.. in your PT Cruiser. As she takes a seat in your ride, she’d ask.. is the seat warmer on? No honey, there’s no warmer. That’s just the organic love of my vehicle having its way with you.
And before you know it, activities would commence. The PT Cruiser changed your life and hers, forever.
2. I needed to go faster
Does faster always correlate with speed? No, we know that and you know that. What you need is the freedom of the wind rolling past your frame making wooshing noises. You just want to FEEL fast. Actually going fast can be dangerous. And the PT Cruiser driver with their eternal enlightenment knows this.
At the midpoint of safety and moderate speeds, comes your vehicle. And you can even add bumper stickers affirming this. Stripes, political beliefs, whatever you want. As the acceleration hits from 0 to 60 in eleven seconds, you can experience the joy few people can indulge in.
You close your eyes for a second, you’re in a McClaren. But when you open them back up, reality is even better. You’re still in your PT Cruiser. HURRAH!
3. Looking like my car was rendered in paint appeals to me
Yes, the author of this article DID take the time to draw this masterpiece in paint. And perhaps so did the designers at Chrysler before this bad boy hit the market.
The curvature is beyond the capabilities of Zeus, and he deemed his own son Hercules unfit to pilot such a creation. It’s said in Greek Mythology that there was only one gift greater than the Golden Fleece.
And that’s to be bestowed your very own, 2003 PT.
4. “I was sick of not getting the attention I deserved”
Have you been driving around town feeling like you blend into the herd? As you sit there watching another documentary of animals running together in unison, it hits you.
I’m not a sheep! I’m a .. I’m a beautiful thing that people NEED TO APPRECIATE.
And a straight lined way to get this deserved admiration comes easy. After you somehow manage to secure yourself a low mileage PT, you’ll get the recognition you craved immediately!
5. Aerodynamics be Damned
Yes we get it. Some of those “engineers” in their “wind tunnels” with their “software” try to design cars that do better in certain situations or something like that.
But who cares about the wind? We don’t! It only ever blows our papers away.. when the bully in school would throw our backpack on the ground.
We’ve had it with wind! And that’s why we’ve embraced the design of the PT Cruiser. A battering ram, carving it’s own path. Body acceptance? Here we come. You can’t stop us! That’s right, we can almost break 20 miles per gallon as well.
6. Resale value is for Beginners
Demand and supply? Supply and… no demand? That just means you can get your next PT Cruiser for less after this one fades away.
The market is bustling with these affordable power wagons, and they’re bursting at the seams with testosterone and love.
You can’t get a better bang for the buck and while you might take a hit on the resale… you can use it for birth control. Because you’ll need it in one of these. If you skimp on that detail, you’ll have to get a school bus pretty soon for all your eventual children.
We hope you enjoyed this satire and yes.. it is satire. If you liked this article be sure to share it and thanks for stopping by!